I Woke Up Today...

Last week I couldn't sleep...tossing and turning all night long, mind cloudy with things I couldn't even dream of making sense of...I was restless.

I thought I was okay, trying to play everything cool...but my eyes showed it all...heavy with bags I accumulated over time...I was strained.

No where to lay this the load that was placed on me involuntarily, I was feeling so weighed down...and I kept thinking if only I had someone to share this with...maybe it wouldn't be so bad...I was lonely.

Maybe, just maybe if I had someone by my side I wouldn't have to tote all of this in solitude...for crying out loud I needed peace!

I decided that I was in need of a place where it was alright for me to finally close my eyes...and escape to a land of serenity...

Minutes, hours, and days went by as I embarked on this journey to find rest...taking small step after small step, still struggling with my luggage I had been carrying...I realized I was going nowhere but I was almost certain I was headed in the right direction...

But then it hit me...maybe if I go back to a familiar place, where I knew someone...a land that I've once known instead of the unknown it wouldn't be so hard...maybe I can experience the comfort I once knew...and finally be at ease...

So I backtracked...right to the place where I acquired my load...the feeling there was indeed bittersweet...but it was nothing new to me and it was okay...

For some reason though, this place wasn't so welcoming...this place to which I once belonged...was no longer open to the idea of me staying there...this place told me in so many ways that it was no longer a place for me to dwell...

But my agony, restlessness, and weary body could not bear to accept this...this place USED to love me and I too loved it...why now has its doors been closed?

I begged and pleaded...banged on doors...screaming LET ME IN...I just want to lie down...I just want to rest my overburden head...you used to be ELATED to have me here...

I beat, banged, knocked, kicked, screamed, and cried for so long that when I stopped to take a breath...I realized I had not slept for another week...I was depressed...

I never would have fathomed the place I used to know and love would reject me...I never stopped to think that one day this place would no longer be a safe haven for me...

Where do I go now? What will be my next...

Move...I looked around me...and I saw my bags...and I opened them to see what I would take with me when I go on yet another odyssey into the wilderness...

I decided that none of it I needed...for everything I had taken with me...came from this place that no longer accepts me...

Why should I burden myself with memories of this place?

So I left them there...right on the porch...and I began to walk...

It was dark when I left, it was quiet,it was dreary and I even got a little scared and then....

I OPENED MY EYES...there it was just as clear and unmistakable...for the FIRST TIME in a long time I saw the sun and at that moment I realized I had FINALLY been to sleep!

I felt rejuvenated...as if I could finally take charge of everything...my body was tough, my mind was strong, my heart was clear...I had a huge BURST OF ENERGY!

It felt SO GOOD...I wanted to know where I had gone wrong...I don't even remember closing my eyes and going to sleep...but I WOKE UP TODAY....

I really woke up today...and the one thing that I noticed...is that it was just ME...I was ALONE just as the dictionary said it to be...but I content...

I realized that things changed when I put those bags down...I realized that I was never alone and that the stress of toting those bags were my company...I realized that just as long as I had those bags I was destined to go back to that place...the place, which now that I think about it, was never really the best place to be...I only went back because it was something familiar and because I never truly let go...

BUT I WOKE UP TODAY...and there is nothing anyone can say or do to make me go back....I found rest all on my own...no help from anyone...I accomplished a goal that I thought required assistance when really...it required me to be okay...with JUST ME...

I decided I would do everything in my power to keep me from going back...and that same power would fuel my strength as I venture into a new world and keep me from ever falling weak to any place again...

What I felt when I opened my eyes was a feeling that is unmatched...I saw the sun and my head became clear...and I was complacent...I met a new me...when I woke up today

*After a broken heart...the first thing we must do is be fine with being alone...and the rest will fall into place*

~Alondra

**SEW-IN** ;-)

JUST A COUPLE PICS OF ME WITH MY NEW HAIR INSTALL!! I'M CURRENTLY ROCKIN' BOBBI BOSS INDI REMI OCEAN WAVE 14' AND 12'....I'M LOVIN' IT!!!

This is the hair straight...

And this is the hair in its wavy state!

I PLAN TO HAVE IT IN FOR 2-3 MONTHS!!!

"Somebody Almost Walked Away Wid Alla My Stuff"

Just went to go see "For Colored Girls" and this was my favorite poem from the movie...well book actually...anyway...if you've never read it or seen the movie...here's the poem:

"Somebody Almost Walked Away Wid Alla My Stuff"

somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff 
not my poems or a dance i gave up in the street
 but somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff

like a kleptomaniac workin hard & forgettin while stealin
 this is mine/this aint yr stuff/
now why don’t you put me back & let me hang out in my own self

somebody almost walked off wit alla my stuff 
& didn’t care enuf to send a note home sayin 
i was late for my solo conversation
 or two sizes to small for my own tacky skirts

what can anybody do wit somethin of no value on
a open market/ did you getta dime for my things/
hey man/ where are you goin wid alla my stuff/
to ohh & ahh abt/ daddy/ i gotta mainline number 
from my own shit/ now wontcha put me back/ & let
 me play this duet/ wit silver ring in my nose/
honest to god/

somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ 
& i didnt bring anythin but the kick & sway of it 
the perfect ass for my man & none of it is theirs 
this is mine/ ntozake ‘her own things’/ that’s my name
 now give me my stuff/ i see ya hidin my laugh/ & how i
s it wif my legs open sometimes/ to give me 
some sunlight/ & there goes my love my toes my chewed 
up finger nails/ niggah/ wif the curls in yr hair/
mr. louisiana hot link/

i want my stuff back/
my rhytums & my voice/ open my mouth/ & let me talk ya 
outta/ throwin my shit in the sewar/ this is some delicate 
leg & whimsical kiss/ i gotta have to give to my choice/
without you runnin off wit alla my shit/
now you cant have me less i give me away/ & i waz
doin all that/ til ya run off on a good thing/

who is this you left me wit/ some simple bitch 
widda bad attitude/ i wants my things/
i want my arm wit the hot iron scar/ & my leg wit the
 flea bite/ i want my calloused feet & quik language back
in my mouth/ fried plantains/ pineapple pear juice/ 
sun-ra & joseph & jules/ i want my own things/ how i lived them/
& give me my memories/ how i waz when i waz there/
you cant have them or do nothin wit them/

stealin my shit from me/ dont make it yrs/ makes it stolen/
somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ & i waz standin
 there/ lookin at myself/ the whole time 
& it waznt a spirit took my stuff/ waz a man whose 
ego walked round like Rodan’s shadow/ waz a man faster
n my innocence/

waz a lover/ i made too much 
room for/ almost run off wit alla my stuff/
& i didnt know i’d give it up so quik/ & the one runnin wit it/
don’t know he got it/ & i’m shoutin this is mine/ & he dont 
know he got it/ my stuff is the anonymous ripped off treasure
 of the year/

did you know somebody almost got away wit me/
me in a plastic bag under their arm/ me 
danglin on a string of personal carelessness/ i’m spattered wit
 mud & city rain/ & no i didnt get a chance to take a douche/
hey man/ this is not your perogative/ i gotta have me in my
 pocket/ to get round like a good woman shd/ & make the poem
in the pot or the chicken in the dance/

what i got to do/
i gotta get my stuff to do it to/
why dont ya find yr own things/ & leave this package 
of me for my destiny/ what ya got to get from me/
i’ll give it to ya/ yeh/ i’ll give it to ya/
round 5:00 in the winter/ when the sky is blue-red/
& Dew City is gettin pressed/ if it’s really my stuff/
ya gotta give it to me/ if ya really want it/ i’m 
the only one/ can handle it

-Ntozake Shange. “For coloured girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf”

**My 6 Month Hair Regimen Update**

If you follow me on twitter, I recently talked about the great results I've had with my new hair regimen and decided I should blog about it too!! Let me add that I have not had a relaxer in six months, which is the longest I have ever gone! I'm on the fence about becoming natural...for now my main concern is just growing my hair back LONG AND HEALTHY. Now, I know that I never told you all exactly what it was that I was doing differently, but now that I see it works...I WILL DO THAT NOW!

THE PRODUCTS AND HOW TO USE THEM:

COCONUT OIL

Ladies (and gents if you have hair)...this stuff is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! I'm no hair expert but ever since I've been using this my hair has been so very soft,shiny, and manageable! You can google it and you will find out all the many benefits that using coconut oil can have for your hair. The picture above is of the oil I use...Spectrum Organic Virgin Coconut Oil Unrefined. I purchased this from the Whole Foods Market for about 10 bucks. It's important that the oil is virgin because that means it is in its natural state and hasn't been stripped of the properties that help the hair. The oil does come in a solid form but it melts VERY easily;you could melt it in your hand. For convenience, I melt my oil in the microwave for maybe 10 seconds and pour it into a squirt bottle (the one pictured), that way I can get it all through my hair without creating a big, oily mess!

THE TREATMENT (Weekly)

Before I wash my hair, I part my hair into four sections and I saturate each section with the oil. I make sure to put it on my scalp also. Your hair DOES NOT have to be wet when you do this, I never wet my hair, but some like to do so. After I put the oil in my hair and scalp, I cover my head with a plastic conditioning cap and I sit under a dryer or heating cap for 3o minutes...then the wash begins...

MY SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER

ORGANIC ROOT STIMULATOR OLIVE OIL PRODUCTS

Let me just say that I have NEVER found a product that my hair just LOVES until I started using this particular line. I'm not saying that this product is the BEST for everyone to use, but it works great for ME! It's important to find a product that best caters to your particular kind of hair because what works for the next person may have reverse effects on your hair and you don't want that. Ever since I began using this, my hair has been much softer and I haven't really experienced extremely dry hair! My hair has been very strong and I have yet to experience a lot of breakage during my relaxer stretch. You can find all of these products at WalMart all for under 10 dollars.

HOW I WASH AND CONDITION

I basically follow the directions on the bottles. I don't do anything special. Because I haven't had a relaxer in so long, and I don't want my relaxed ends to break off, I make sure to condition my hair thoroughly. I part my hair into four sections, just as I would the coconut oil, and cover my hair from root to end in the conditioner. I comb it through, cover my head in a plastic cap, and sit under some form of heat for another 30 minutes...then I rinse it out and apply my favorite leave in conditioner by Something Special (pic below)

I love it because it smells great and it's a cream leave-in instead of a spray...I just prefer cream over spray because I feel it moisturizes better!

AFTER THE TREATMENT AND WASHING IS COMPLETE

I normally do heat free-styles...since May I have flat ironed my hair 5 TIMES TOTAL!! When my hair isn't straight, it's normally in a braid or twist out of some sort, bantu knot outs, or a cute bun! I don't spend much time on styling (I will show pictures of my hairstyles in the end).

MAINTAINING MY HAIR

In between washes I make sure to keep my hair moisturized and my ends protected because my over all goal is to retain length. Every 2-3 days I will moisturize and seal my hair with my Organic Root Stimulator Hair Moisturizer and my Coconut Oil. It's quite simple to do this: 1. Part hair into sections and put the moisturizer through the sections 2. Rub coconut oil into hands and put it on the moisturized sections...what this does is help the hair retain moisture so that it will not dry out as you go throughout the day. It's important that the moisturizer you use has a water base so that it will penetrate the hair...(water will be the first ingredient on the bottle if it is). How often you moisturize and seal depends on your hair...for example, my hair isn't really dry so I don't do it daily...but some may see the need to. Below are the products I use for hair maintenance:

STYLE GALLERY:

Heat free styling can be difficult to master at first, but learning how to do it can be fun! You just have to remember that your hair will benefit GREATLY from staying heat free! I will show you just a few of the styles I have been wearing over the past few months and the results of my hair care regimen!

BANTU KNOT OUT

BRAID OUT (USING CORNROWS)

KNOTTED TWIST OUT

SEW-IN (PROTECTIVE STYLE)

AIR-DRIED FRO!(LOVED THIS)

AND MY CURRENT LENGTH AS OF NOVEMBER

THIS IS MY 5TH FLAT IRON STYLE BY THE WAY

I HOPE I HELPED SOME ONE ON THEIR HAIR CARE JOURNEY!! It just takes time and patience!!! I'm getting another sew-in next week so I won't be dealing with most of my hair for a while!! I'll give updates after I take that out!!

COMMENT IF YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS!! LOVE YA!

Alondra

GIVE ME What I ASK FOR...

It has been a minute since I last posted anything...and I apologize...but I have been inspired to write...I feel as if this would make a great poem and maybe I'll turn it into one some day...but for now...I'll just say what's on my mind:

I would say I've been in the dating game maybe five years now. I had my first love when I was 16...although he didn't love me back, that was the first time I had ever experienced having very strong feelings for someone, it's funny because that wasn't even a "real relationship", but I'm almost certain it's one of the things I asked for...

I had a boyfriend when I was 17, we were together for a year...we were both young so you can imagine the level of commitment we had...but I loved him. Although he never really made me feel special...like buying me little cards or giving me a Valentine's Day gift...I still gave A LOT of myself...but I'm almost certain that was one of the things I asked for...

After him I met a countless number of "potentials". All of them were so nice to me, and liked me so much and said I was girlfriend material. I liked two of them a lot, they were at different times...but each time we had an "understood" relationship. Or so I thought, but I became confused when one all of a sudden got back with his long time girlfriend...and the other up and decided he "wasn't ready". They COULD HAVE worked out...but they lacked honesty, and I'm almost certain that was one of the things I asked for...

Last year I fell in love. Real love. Deep, passionate, make you lose your mind love...I thought I would spend the rest of my life with this one. He said he felt the same...but he tried to control me, belittle me, disrespect me, neglect me, blatantly HURT me, picked me up and put me back down, crushed my self esteem...turned me into someone I had never known and took me to a place I wouldn't dare to go back. I sit back and I reflect...and I'm certain that NONE OF THIS I asked for...

Ladies, aren't you tired of receiving things that you didn't even stick your hand out for? Tired of trying it all over again, saying to yourself "this time will be better", only to realize that this time was worse?! I'm tired of crying at night when I know I asked you to hold me. Tired of confronting women I had no idea of when I know I asked you to tell me! Tired of having HER tell me who she is when I KNOW I asked YOU! Tired of having my heart broken when I know I asked you to protect it! Tired of PLANNED PARENTHOOD when it was NEVER PLANNED! I'm tired of giving my body ONLY to you when you can't even remember the last bed you laid in! Tired of reaping the seeds YOU SEWED when YOU LAID IN THAT BED! Tired of having the doctor to explain what the hell is going on when you "don't know what could have happened"! I'M TIRED OF ALL THE BULL SHIT YOU MEN HAVE GIVEN ME...WHEN I KNOW DAMN WELL I DIDN'T ASK FOR IT...

And you walk around as if we should be grateful. Like we should feel so lucky that you filthy bastards have taken a special interest in us ONLY to destroy our minds with false hopes and confusion...I'm sorry but NO THANK YOU! You can keep your sorry excuses, your pathetic attempts at being "lovers", keep your lies, your dreams, keep those deceitful hugs and kisses that are given the SAME way to me, her,her, and HER! Keep your "special attention" that's really NEVER been THAT DAMN UNIQUE...keep ALL THAT MESS...I don't want it...

What I want...is a MAN, and in him I ask for strength, patience, to be understanding, to be supportive, to fight FOR ME before fighting WITH ME, to accept me as I am, to want the best in everything...I ask for him to have the will to love...THE WILL TO LOVE...I NEED HIM TO HAVE THE WILL TO LOVE!!

And in return...he'll have ALL OF ME PLUS more....everything I have to offer now and the things I will later possess...I'll be more than content with following the crazy demands of love...IF IT'S REAL...

I've given in to a false love for some time now...putting time and energy into black holes...free falling into a bottomless pit of bullshit...never to get reciprocity...But I'm back on my feet and I demand that my demands be met...I DEMAND THAT MY DEMANDS BE MET...I DEMAND THAT MY DEMANDS BE MET!

Don't you dare hand me that bucket of bull shit...GIVE ME WHAT I ASK FOR...

Alondra

(DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT MY PERSONAL STORY...)