I Woke Up Today...

Last week I couldn't sleep...tossing and turning all night long, mind cloudy with things I couldn't even dream of making sense of...I was restless.

I thought I was okay, trying to play everything cool...but my eyes showed it all...heavy with bags I accumulated over time...I was strained.

No where to lay this the load that was placed on me involuntarily, I was feeling so weighed down...and I kept thinking if only I had someone to share this with...maybe it wouldn't be so bad...I was lonely.

Maybe, just maybe if I had someone by my side I wouldn't have to tote all of this in solitude...for crying out loud I needed peace!

I decided that I was in need of a place where it was alright for me to finally close my eyes...and escape to a land of serenity...

Minutes, hours, and days went by as I embarked on this journey to find rest...taking small step after small step, still struggling with my luggage I had been carrying...I realized I was going nowhere but I was almost certain I was headed in the right direction...

But then it hit me...maybe if I go back to a familiar place, where I knew someone...a land that I've once known instead of the unknown it wouldn't be so hard...maybe I can experience the comfort I once knew...and finally be at ease...

So I backtracked...right to the place where I acquired my load...the feeling there was indeed bittersweet...but it was nothing new to me and it was okay...

For some reason though, this place wasn't so welcoming...this place to which I once belonged...was no longer open to the idea of me staying there...this place told me in so many ways that it was no longer a place for me to dwell...

But my agony, restlessness, and weary body could not bear to accept this...this place USED to love me and I too loved it...why now has its doors been closed?

I begged and pleaded...banged on doors...screaming LET ME IN...I just want to lie down...I just want to rest my overburden head...you used to be ELATED to have me here...

I beat, banged, knocked, kicked, screamed, and cried for so long that when I stopped to take a breath...I realized I had not slept for another week...I was depressed...

I never would have fathomed the place I used to know and love would reject me...I never stopped to think that one day this place would no longer be a safe haven for me...

Where do I go now? What will be my next...

Move...I looked around me...and I saw my bags...and I opened them to see what I would take with me when I go on yet another odyssey into the wilderness...

I decided that none of it I needed...for everything I had taken with me...came from this place that no longer accepts me...

Why should I burden myself with memories of this place?

So I left them there...right on the porch...and I began to walk...

It was dark when I left, it was quiet,it was dreary and I even got a little scared and then....

I OPENED MY EYES...there it was just as clear and unmistakable...for the FIRST TIME in a long time I saw the sun and at that moment I realized I had FINALLY been to sleep!

I felt rejuvenated...as if I could finally take charge of everything...my body was tough, my mind was strong, my heart was clear...I had a huge BURST OF ENERGY!

It felt SO GOOD...I wanted to know where I had gone wrong...I don't even remember closing my eyes and going to sleep...but I WOKE UP TODAY....

I really woke up today...and the one thing that I noticed...is that it was just ME...I was ALONE just as the dictionary said it to be...but I content...

I realized that things changed when I put those bags down...I realized that I was never alone and that the stress of toting those bags were my company...I realized that just as long as I had those bags I was destined to go back to that place...the place, which now that I think about it, was never really the best place to be...I only went back because it was something familiar and because I never truly let go...

BUT I WOKE UP TODAY...and there is nothing anyone can say or do to make me go back....I found rest all on my own...no help from anyone...I accomplished a goal that I thought required assistance when really...it required me to be okay...with JUST ME...

I decided I would do everything in my power to keep me from going back...and that same power would fuel my strength as I venture into a new world and keep me from ever falling weak to any place again...

What I felt when I opened my eyes was a feeling that is unmatched...I saw the sun and my head became clear...and I was complacent...I met a new me...when I woke up today

*After a broken heart...the first thing we must do is be fine with being alone...and the rest will fall into place*

~Alondra